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After a series of unsuitable boyfriends, I have met a wonderful loving man. However, he has an extremely small penis. He can get an erection and we are able to have penetrative sex, but I often feel little to nothing, although he is a sensitive lover in other ways. I am full of regret that, if this is to be my life partner, I might never be able to enjoy penetrative sex in quite the same way again.

Regarding relationships, what exactly is your goal? Is it to find the perfect person, or the perfect penis? Would you accept my word for the fact that neither exists? Your search for complete and utter satisfaction on every scale is likely to lead to disappointment, dissatisfaction and regret. True intimacy and wonderfully loving human connections are partly defined by the ability of each person to see and accept the “failings” of the other, and to accept and share one’s own shortcomings. You are at an early stage in this new relationship, but rejecting an otherwise “wonderful” man on the basis of his penis size may be very unwise, especially since he is a fulfilling lover in nonpenetrative ways. Most nerve endings that help trigger pleasure and orgasm are in a woman’s clitoris, not the vagina. And over time, needs and bodies change, and desire waxes and wanes. When judging a partner’s ability to be satisfying in the long run, the only reliable benchmark is his willingness to learn to please you.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
  

• If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.
  

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